Lifestyle club etiquette: the unwritten rules

Every lifestyle club has house rules that staff explain at the door. On top of those, there is a shared etiquette that is not always written down but that regulars know well. Following it is what turns a night into a good experience for everyone instead of an awkward one. The good news is that it boils down to one simple idea: treat others as you would like to be treated, with extra discretion and constant attention to consent.

Approach politely

Conversation is still the natural way to meet people in a lifestyle club. A few pointers help:

• Say hello and introduce yourself, just as you would in any bar.
• If it's a couple, talk to both of them. Addressing only one partner is usually seen as disrespectful.
• Read the signals. If the conversation isn't flowing or the answers are short, say goodbye kindly.
• Assume nothing. Being in a club does not make anyone available to you.

Say no, and accept no

Rejection is part of the evening and is never personal. "No, thanks" is enough. Whoever hears a no accepts it without asking for reasons or trying again later. Coming back after a rejection is one of the most frowned-upon behaviours in any club.

A useful rule of thumb: if you are not sure there is interest, there isn't. Invitations should be clear.

Physical contact only by invitation

Touching someone without permission is not allowed, whether in the social area or in the playrooms. That includes hugs, caresses or touching someone's hair or clothes. In many clubs even a first gesture, such as a hand on the arm, is asked for first or left for the other person to start. If someone moves your hand away, you stop immediately.

Respect each couple's agreements

Every couple has its own boundaries, and they won't always match yours. Some only come to socialise, some prefer a soft swap and others a full swap. Never push anyone beyond what they have said, and never try to separate a couple. If one partner shows any doubt, everything stops.

Discretion above all

Privacy is the foundation of trust in the lifestyle:

• No photos or videos. In most clubs phones stay in the locker or are not used in shared areas.
• Don't share names or details about who you saw at the club.
• If you see someone you know, greet them naturally and keep it inside the club.
• First names or nicknames are fine. Nobody will ask for more.

Hygiene and self-care

• Shower before you go and, where available, before using the spa or playrooms.
• Use clean towels and change them when needed.
• Protection is everyone's responsibility. Clubs usually provide condoms, but you can bring your own.
• Keep breath fresh and perfume subtle rather than strong.

Playrooms and rooms with doors

Playrooms have their own rules, and it is worth asking about them at reception:

• A closed door means do not enter. A door left ajar sometimes means watching is welcome, but not joining.
• Couples-only areas: respect them even if the rest of the club admits singles.
• Watch respectfully: at a sensible distance, without comments, and leave if asked.
• Don't occupy a room you are not using, especially on busy nights.

Alcohol in moderation

A drink can break the ice, but too much alcohol is incompatible with clear consent. Most clubs will not let visibly drunk guests into the playrooms. Drink moderately and look after your partner too.

Respect the staff and the venue

The team is there to keep things running and to make everyone feel safe. If something makes you uncomfortable, tell them: they are trained to step in discreetly. Treat the facilities with care and respect closing times.

The dress code matters

Many clubs ask for smart or flirty outfits in the social area and a towel in the spa. Following the dress code shows respect for the atmosphere and for the other guests. If you are unsure, check the venue listing or ask before you go.

Etiquette at parties and events outside the club

Private parties, hotel events and themed meetups follow the same rules, with a few nuances. There is often a guest list and rules sent in advance: read them and follow them. Punctuality matters more than at a club, because many parties close the door at a set time. If the host asks you to confirm attendance, do so, and if you can no longer make it, let them know. Remember that in a private space the host decides: if you are asked to leave, you leave without argument. Finally, keep the same discretion about the location and the guests that you would keep about any club.

Frequently asked questions

Is it rude to go just to watch?

Not if you do it where it is allowed and discreetly. What is frowned upon is watching in private spaces uninvited or making comments.

Can I offer a couple a drink?

Yes, it's a common and friendly gesture. If the answer is no, accept it gracefully.

What should I do if someone ignores my no?

Step away and tell the staff. Reputable clubs act on it and can ask that person to leave.

Can I use my phone inside the club?

It depends on the venue, but phones are generally avoided in shared areas, and photos or videos are forbidden.