Talking about safer sex with your partner and other couples: what LIEBESLEBEN says

Talking about protection is the conversation most often postponed in the lifestyle world and the one that brings the most peace of mind once it is done. It applies to couples trying a club for the first time, to people travelling and meeting new people, and to people who have been at it for years and think it is no longer needed. In Germany, the LIEBESLEBEN initiative, run by the Federal Institute for Public Health (BIÖG) based in Cologne and funded by the Federal Republic, offers sexual-health materials in plain language. This guide collects its main ideas and translates them to the context of couples who share experiences. It does not replace the advice of a health professional.

Why talk first

LIEBESLEBEN frames it this way: however you enjoy yourself, vaginal, anal or oral, as a couple or with several people, with or without toys, you should protect yourself, and that usually begins with speaking clearly to whoever is in front of you. The site reminds readers that sex, and safer sex too, has a lot to do with closeness and responsibility: acknowledging your own wishes and the other person's, and saying aloud that you want to use protection. Talking is not distrust. According to the initiative, speaking about safer sex does not mean you do not trust your partner or that you are hiding anything: it shows you are responsible and handle intimate topics openly. It adds a reassuring point: most people value it when someone takes the initiative with condoms, something backed by scientific studies.

How to start the conversation

LIEBESLEBEN's guide imposes no script. Each person prefers a different route: some raise the topic head-on, others leave a condom in view and wait for a reaction. What matters, it says, is to choose what is easiest for you and not put too much pressure on yourself: you can talk with humour, seriousness, romance or bluntness. For lifestyle couples, this translates into three moments:

1. Between the two of you, at home and without hurry. Agree what protection you will use, with whom, for which practices, and what you will do if something breaks or someone has second thoughts. It is also the moment to talk about regular testing and who is told if a result is positive.
2. With other people, before play begins. A short, friendly sentence is enough: "We use condoms for everything; is that OK with you?" If anything raises doubts, clear it up before getting undressed.
3. Afterwards, with a debrief. Back home or at the hotel, review how the night went and whether anything should change.

What if the other person resists

LIEBESLEBEN says frankly that a conversation about safer sex almost always goes well, but it also anticipates the exception. If the other side has doubts, asking for the reason helps: many worries can be cleared up with a simple explanation. And if someone refuses protection entirely, you need to be clear about what you want and what you do not, because it is about your health. In practice that means you have the right to withdraw without further explanation. It is as valid a decision as staying.

What else to have at hand

• Enough condoms in the right size, plus compatible lubricant. The initiative devotes sections to buying, storing and sizing.
• Regular STI testing, depending on your level of exposure, and an agreement on how to share results. See our guide to STI testing and safer sex.
• Vaccines. LIEBESLEBEN reminds readers that vaccines exist against HPV and hepatitis A and B; we explain them in our guide to vaccines and sexual health in Germany.
• An exit plan. A meeting point, a safe word and the freedom to say stop at any time.

How this fits with consent

A conversation about protection is also a conversation about consent. What you agree beforehand is the frame; during the night, anyone can change their mind. To go deeper, read our guide to consent, boundaries and signals. A setting where protection and limits are discussed naturally is also one where everyone relaxes better.

A note on languages and accessibility

LIEBESLEBEN's website offers its main pages in plain language and in German Sign Language, and runs a YouTube channel with educational pieces on sexual health; in our video section we have included some of them. If you do not speak German, use a translator and always check the information with a professional.

Ready-to-use phrases

If you freeze, try short phrases without blame: "Before we start, shall we talk about protection?", "It puts us at ease to always use condoms", "Is there anything worrying you that you would like to mention?", "If you want to stop at any point, just say so." None requires explaining your intimate history; all of them set the frame clearly. Practise them at home until they sound natural: the first time they are said aloud it is hard, by the tenth it is routine.

When to change plans

If someone does not respect a limit, lies about their tests or pushes to skip protection, the right answer is simple: you leave. A serious club or party backs whoever sets the limit, and its staff should help you. Note the name of the event and, if you think it necessary, inform the organisers. Your peace of mind is worth more than any night.

Sources (consulted on 7 November 2026)

• LIEBESLEBEN: Safer Sex in jeder Beziehung
• LIEBESLEBEN: legal notice and responsible body (BIÖG)

General, guidance-only information; it does not replace medical advice.